Last week, we talked about abuse. This week, let me share with you what you can do to stop abuse in your life.
Step 1: Wake Up
Let me give you an analogy. Imagine a poor man who always eats from a garbage can. Ever since he was a kid, that’s where he eats. So to him, garbage is not garbage—garbage is food. Someone has to show him another way of filling up his hunger. Someone has to say, “Wake up! What you’re eating is garbage! This is food…” and show him a table filled with real food.
In the same way, an abuse victim doesn’t see what’s happening to her as abuse. To her, that’s just a part of life.
Remember the strongman Samson in the Bible? He was abused by his girlfriend Delilah (see Judges 16:1-31). The beautiful Delilah didn’t love him— she just used him. That’s what all abusers do.
One day, Delilah made Samson sleep. And while he was sleeping, she opened the door so that the enemy could cut off his hair —which was the source of his strength. They captured him, gouged out his eyes, and he became a slave for the rest of his life.
Are you being abused? You’ve been sleeping for too long. And this abuser has stolen your strength. And like Samson, you’ve become blind as well, enslaved by this abuser. You need to wake up!
I know. This is easier said than done. Abuse has a way of hypnotizing someone to sleep. When the pain is unbearable, some abused victims finally wake up
Are you being abused?
Wake up and see how this person is destroying you.
Wake up and see how this abuse is also destroying other people—your kids, your friends…
Wake up and see how God’s Plan is being stolen from you, because you’re allowing this abuse to happen.
Wake up and protect yourself and your loved ones.
Wake up and love yourself.
Bottom line, you need to do this: Care for yourself the way God cares for you. Abused people think that abuse is what they deserve in life.
But God says, “No! You deserve to be loved. Because I love you. And I want you to love yourself in the exact same way.”
Step 2: Walk Away
One way of protecting yourself from abuse is to walk away physically. Many times, it means breaking the relationship. Sometimes, it means leaving the house physically.
But sometimes, you can’t walk away physically, but need to walk away emotionally. You may not break the relationship, but you need to redefine the terms of the relationship.
I met a 32-year-old woman whose husband was a gambling addict. He would borrow money just to go to the casino. The woman came to me because the day before, her husband’s boss found out that he stole P150,000 from the company. The boss told her husband that unless he returned the money, he was going to jail. So the wife was running around borrowing money so her husband would not go to jail.
I told her, “Maybe you should let your husband go to jail…”
She wept and said, “But Bo, he promised me that if I help him out now, he’ll never gamble again.”
I asked her, “And you believe him? Tell me, how many times has he promised that he won’t gamble again?”
She couldn’t answer me. All she did was cry in front of me. Finally, after a few minutes of sobbing, she said, “Honestly, I can’t count. He’s been telling me he’ll stop. But he hasn’t. He’s borrowed money from my friends. He pawned my jewelry just to gamble. One day, I thought a thief stole my laptop—but later on, I learned it was really him. He even stole the cellphone of our child. Bo, I don’t know what to do anymore…”
I told her, “You must walk away. It’s no guarantee that he will change. But the chances he changes are higher if you walk away than if you tolerate the abuse.”
When a Mother Abuses You
Even after you walk away, I believe healing can happen.
One day, a young woman approached me after The Feast. She said, “Bo, my mother is a cruel woman. When I was growing up, there would not be a day when she would not scream at me. There would not be a single day when she would not tell me, ‘Wala kang kwentang anak!’ (You’re worthless) Sometimes, she would scream and curse me for one hour, two hours, three hours… And being a little girl, I would just stand there and cry. When I got older, I became numb. My heart became like stone.”
She continued, “Finally, after college, I left the house and made a promise to myself that I would never go back to our house. I was able to land a great job and became successful in my career. I stayed as far away from my mother as I could. But one day, you came along and disturbed my peace…”
“Me?” I asked. “What did I do?”
She smiled, “Someone invited me to listen to you preach. I did. And the following week, I went back to The Feast. I didn’t stop. Because I felt God was healing me through you. You see, for a long time, I believed in my mother when she said I was worthless. The Feast healed me. God healed me. And one day, I heard God tell me to forgive my mother. And I did. I visited her and told her, ‘Mom, I forgive you.’”
“What did she say?” I asked.
“She didn’t say a word. There was no admittance of guilt. She just brushed me aside and walked away. Bo, at 76 years old, my mother is still a cruel woman. Perhaps a little bit mellow because of age. But still a bully. No one can stand living with her. Maids can’t last more than two months with her. She lives a very sad life….”
“But I honor you for forgiving your mother…”
“Thank you. Bo, may I ask a question?”
“Yes?”
“Now that I’ve forgiven her, there’s this desire within me to reach out to her. Do you think it’s wise if I invite her to stay with me in my condo? Honestly, I’m afraid. What if she screams and curses me all over again?”
I nodded and said, “Keep discerning. Slow down. Instead of living together, why not just increase your visits? I need to clarify something very important: Forgiveness is not equal to Friendship…”
Forgiveness Is Not Equal to Friendship
Let me explain. When you forgive an abuser, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to live with that person again, or work with that person again, or hang out with that person again. That’s a whole new decision altogether.
Forgiveness is about cancelling one’s debt, surrendering the hurt to God, and releasing the curse of bitterness. It has nothing to do with going back to the old relationship.
Step 1 is to Wake Up.
Step 2 is to Walk Away.
Finally…
Step 3: Worship Again
Why does a person allow abuse to happen? And why does an abuser abuse others?
It’s the same answer for both: Empty Love Tank.
The abused person is desperate for love. And in a very distorted way, the abuser fills her need for love. It’s a very distorted, perverted kind of love. But she thinks this is the garbage that she deserves. I know it’s insane. But that’s reality.
A person abuses another person because that’s also his distorted way of filling up his empty Love Tank.
In the end, there’s really only one solution to that inner wound of the abused and the abuser: His Love.
That’s why you need to Worship.
To me, worship is not telling God how much you love Him. Worship is first of all being overwhelmed by how much He loves you. When you see how much He loves you, how much He adores you, how much He cares for you—you’ll learn how to love yourself.
Do You Abuse You?
Face it. Sometimes, we can be our worst abuser. We abuse our body. We eat unhealthy food. We don’t eat right. We don’t rest. We live a stressful life.
Why? Because we don’t love ourselves.
Today, I urge you: Allow God to love you.
And learn from Him.
Listen to Him tell you how precious you are to Him.
Stop abusing yourself.
Care for yourself the way He cares for you.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez
